I found myself on a  journey to find out who I, Amanda Foxon-Hill really is.

Sounds simple but it is fraught with distraction and false promises.  It is easy to buy into an idea of what you are or should be, to construct a step-by-step vision of success and how to achieve it, to breathe in the words and aura of any teacher you can get your hands on, to pay with cash but what I was after was something different.  I was on a journey to my soul, a journey towards self-understanding and full acceptance.  Sounds nice doesn’t it but how does one do that?

Fresh from consumer culture central the temptation is to go buy it.  Bookshelves are full to bursting with self-help books and, if you have enough time and money you can even buy the author or one of their faithful teachers to come give you a life make-over.  Damn, some even have their own schools.  Knowing that wasn’t for me I looked elsewhere.

That elsewhere was guided by my (call me self-centred) notion that I actually had the answers in me all along and just needed someone to help me find the key.  That’s how I believe was drawn towards hypnotherapy and soul craft.

I was delighted to find that my perception of hypnotherapy matched my experience and with a little gentle guidance the feelings and ideas that I had about me and kept locked deep inside my sub-conscious mind were released and presented for re-evaluing. Again, the process came at a cost as each session left me feeling shifted, un-anchored and somewhat blurred.   This is when I learned the true value of patience.

Over hours, days and sometimes weeks little connections were made between what had been discussed and uncovered during hypnotherapy and my day-to-day life.  Sometimes it was a song that made it click – this one resonated so clearly that I nearly leaped out of my driving seat:

“I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed”.  

Alanis Morissette. One Hand in my pocket.

I had, on more than one occasion started conversations between friends, family and work colleagues with ‘I’m sorry about not being able to do such-and-such  but I feel quite mentally ill at the moment”.   Hearing those words made that all make sense. I have not been mentally ill, I have been overwhelmed. I was tired, I needed time and space and that is what I was giving myself……

Other than hands-on  ’professional help’ to unlock the secrets of my mind I also turned to the literary world and got much comfort and passive guidance from these books:

Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin.

This wasn’t an easy book to read, in fact I had it by my bed for around 7 months before I finally delved right in and completed it.  It is an epic and challenging journey in its self but very worth it. Especially (for me) the part on time in the death hut as that is where I felt I spent much of 2012 as I recovered from a series of personal and business setbacks – I felt socially and spiritually ‘dead’.  The book is ‘an experiential guide to the wilderness of the soul’ and basically demonstrates the importance, cultural significance and benefits of soul initiation.  The book also puts into words what I have instinctively felt for a while – that we have two adulthoods, that of the body and that of the soul.  Not everyone gets to experience the second chapter of life. I didn’t want to be one of them.

This book was also very helpful:

Thinking Fast and Slow

While I learned much about the workings of our mind from this book the main ‘take home’ message for me during this time was that we project much too much into the world and then spend our time and energy trying to make reality match our projections.  That’s the thinking fast bit.   This was also hard for me to suck up as I have always lived life in the fast lane (partly due to being overly excitable about stuff) but ultimately finding myself in a position of exhaustion the prospect of slowing down both in body and mind ended up becoming the most attractive thing I’d heard all year!

There were more books but I’ll talk about them in different posts.

So, at the end of this stage in my journey I have found my inner guru and am beginning to unlock her powers and become acquainted with her little nuances, strengths and weaknesses.  So far she seems pretty OK but is quite a bit quieter than I imagined her to be.  She is also less domineering and bossy than I gave her credit for and instead prefers to occupy a place of quiet, thoughtful observation.   It is clear that I am not who I thought I was.

To travel alone through the mind is a scary thing but everything I’ve read and experienced  tells me that is exactly what one needs to do once your time comes.  However,  as I said in the beginning our culture is one of ‘solution trading’ and as such guides us towards purchasing a ‘guru’ or soul teacher.  I couldn’t work out why I have never liked the idea until last week when I saw this documentary by Vikram Ghandi and now it all makes sense and brings my two findings together in a neat and tidy way:

• Be aware of what you project.  Is is real or is it imagined. Where is the line between reality and perception?
• You are your Guru.

Enjoy!

On a conscience level Vikrams ‘customers’ saw an Authentic Guru in Kumare and bought it, all of it and it made them feel good.  However, had they searched deeper those ‘customers’ would have realised that they had bought a projection of what they desired – they saw what they wanted to see rather than what was. It was still good but it wasn’t as great as it could have been and for some it was devastating.

The reason that Vikrams experiment was so successful stems from the fact that he knew who he was (and who he was not) and had researched and experienced that.  He understood the heart and soul of his project, the meaning behind each symbol that he employed and how to bring this to life as a product – the Guru Kumare and his newly found religion.

Kumare was just enough canvas upon which to project ones inner images but not so much that it threatened followers mentally or physically.

And so as my journey moves into the ‘live the reality’ phase I look back fondly and say yes, it was worth it and yes I would absolutely recommend a trip into the soul’s wilderness accompanied by none other than your guru self.

Love, light and acceptance.

where there is

a) Very little lime in which to complete your task

and

B) Getting the water back to the buckets involves navigating an ever-changing obstacle course that takes considerable energy and skill to complete.

My friend listened then challenged me and my bucket-filling analogy.  He encouraged me to think of it a different way and I want to share that with you.

What if you change the way you view those buckets. What if they were different sizes – who said they had to be the same size anyway? What if they were arranged in a different way?  What if the relationship between the buckets changed?  What if rather than the water that misses a bucket be lost it was saved/ recycled even?  What if you only had to run that assault course once?

and then it clicked.

Having ‘DONE’  physics (I love the wrongness of that statement) I know that everything that is said above could be possible.  How exciting and yet how blooming annoying that I hadn’t looked at it this way before.

All I had to do was take my buckets, stack them one inside the other, just like the kids stacking-cup game and voila, one semi-full bucket would ‘fill’ them all.  What’s more looking at my stack-o-buckets from above would turn that almighty mess into a piece of art!  It would be clean, neat, organised, right…….

In my minds eye instead of this:

I could now imagine looking down and seeing this:

The realisation that balance was within my reach was game-changing.  (this beautiful picture came from here.  The link is well worth following when you have time as there are some beautiful bark paintings there also).

I can now accept that I have enough. I am enough. I can achieve enough to finish the tasks required of me.  I can fill up every bucket (my own included) without exhaustion.  The process can be seamless, elegant, beautiful and achievable and most importantly the outcome is only limited by my imagination.

Wow.

I wonder if it would work with a juggling analogy………..

After reading about the emotional highs and lows of about-to-bleeders I feel like I have been denied access to another world of creative angst and super power.  A world where, at one with mother earth we unleash our inner goddess/ whore/ whinger and just let it all hang out.  It is a time when it absolutely is rude not to eat the whole packet of double-chocolate choc chip cookies without even stopping to read the fat or organic content. A time to smash things up  and go on spending sprees with no thought for the consequences. However mostly it is a time to let go.

Letting go both metaphorically and physically is a great thing to do and I imagine these PMS women screaming and writhing with energy as they count down to D day (or should we say RED FLAG DAY) with anticipation and sometimes dread. That time of the month plays messenger for excitement, disappointment and confusion thoughout a womans life as she anticipates the creation of new life and mourns a life or opportunity lost.  I can see why my parenting group ladies feel so attached to the whole thing.

But I don’t.

Call me odd (or a bloke) but on reflection I’m glad that I have been spared of that journey as it all looks a little too bothersome.

So, good luck my bleeding sisters, I’m off to see if I can ditch these ovaries somewhere as their probably shrivelled by now anyway.

Love yourself xxxxx

The talk has made me realise that vulnerability has always come naturally to me and yes, I do know how weird that sounds but wait. I don’t think I truly appreciated what a blessing that is until listening to what Brene had to say and realising that not everyone has such an easy time with it.

I’ve never minded being wrong – indeed I naturally see it as an opportunity to learn and grow, see or try things a different way maybe.  In addition while the feeling of hurt and anguish as a result of other peoples ignorance, thoughtless actions or words is never pleasant and always uninvited I feel that this too can be learned from and is an essential hurdle to cross on our journey to forming stronger and more authentic social connections:  Why did that feel bad?  What did I do/ how did I act arund that incident, could I have handled that better?  What is it about me that invites these energy exchanges………

That said I have learned the hard way that there is a limit to how much vulnerability the brain and body can take in one go and that limit MUST be respected.

If you are not the type to be moved by academic arguments then why not listen to this groovy little tune. Pink may not be everybody’s cup of tea either but I love the way that her simple lyrics get to the heart of our emotions and sum up exactly what it is all about:

“Where there is a fire there is bound to be a flame. Where there is a flame someones bound to get burned. Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re going to die, you’ve got to get up and try and try and try. You’ve got to get up and try”.

And yes, that does mean you too

Love yourself. Accept vulnerability and have confidence in your ability to get through to the other side.

Then this morning I saw this on facebook:

and just knew that I had to remain focused on fun – sounds odd, feels weird but apparently it is the key to a long and successful life (and I do believe that!).

So, just in case my crazy ideas help inspire you out of your seriousness too here is what I did to form a fun plan!

1. I Found a quiet time and place and sit comfortably
2. I Thought about all of the things that I love doing. Things that make me feel good and relaxed. Things that take me into a different headspace and help me feel alive.
3. then I wrote them all down – in any order, it was easiest to think of the thing that I did last and work from there in my case.
4. Once done I walked away from the list for a while before returning to revise it – did I miss anything?
5. Next I popped everything from my list into a ‘fun table’ noting how effortful each activity can be. I believe that this is important as I have had too much fun before (I know, who would have thought) and been left exhausted – I’m capable of being an exercise junkie when I want to be.   I chose to sort via the following:  Zen – hardly any effort, in fact pretty darn relaxing and possible for nearly everyone.  Every-day effort but just in a different mindset – for example I find it nice to sometimes loose myself in a bland activity such as sorting out the linen cupboard but if I have to sort it out because I can’t find something or fit something in I get stressed.  Same but different!  Finally there is the Adrenalin fun which is great but can be exhausting.
6. Once each of my activities was coded by energy the next thing I did was colour code them by recommended frequency.  Once you see the list this becomes clear but I didn’t want to substitute the problem of having no fun with one of having too much of the wrong fun – see above but different spin on it.
7. Next I reviewed the new and improved colour-coded list, printed it out and stuck it to the fridge.
8. Lastly I resolved to myself that I would make time to do something from the green list every day for at least 10 minutes to start with (small steps).  I would do something from the orange list at least once a week (and build that up) and I would make long-term plans to include a red list item at least twice a year (holiday/ day trips etc).

So far I am finding that just having been able to identify so many things in my life has made me feel good, lighter somehow.  I had the same feeling when I started writing a gratitude diary……

I would say that I am looking forward to doing some of them but I have already started as just a simple switch of mind has been turning simple ‘filler’ non-activities or what I used to call ‘being lazy’ or ‘time-wasting’ into fun, relaxing and pleasurable guilt free moments. How good is that!

I hope that whatever you today is fun-packed and look forward to hearing all about it.

With love

Amanda

Now I don’t know what your mojo is but for me it would have to be my ‘me time’. You know, that part of you that flies out of the window with the last puuuuuush in the delivery suite.  The part that is always first to put her hand up and say ‘yes, of course I will stop everything I’m doing and will change my plans to tend to your needs’. That is my mojo.

While it would be mean and rather victimesque to ‘blame’ parenthood for the fact that that silly cow of a part of me does those things I have to admit that, as the easy and obvious thing to do I’ll probably continue. But is that fair?

No it is not fair, not on myself, not  on my children who haven’t got to the ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ stage but no doubt will, and not on my community. Motherhood is not the problem, I am the problem and I need to dig a little deeper for the answer to this little gem.

I don’t know why I find it hard to be possessive of my ‘me time’ yet but I am hoping that writing this will help answer that question and help me to muster up the courage and balls to go get my mojo back. In the meantime I do have a few ideas about what might be causing this fun drought and if you are ready ill share.

1) Guilt.  Do I feel guilty for taking time out to have fun and do stuff just for me?  I know of plenty of people who suffer from ‘mothers guilt’ each time that they go out without them, have them make their own packed lunches or miss one of their school event.  I have never been that girl.  It isn’t that I don’t care but I just don’t feel guilty about that stuff.  I’m with my kids more now than even and when I couldn’t be with them much I’d made (or helped make) a plan to see to their needs.   For a couple of years this meant employing a lovely babysitter/nanny and before that it was daddy or granddaddy daycare.  Not an ounce of guilt ruffled my brow then and it certainly does not now.  I do not feel guilty for wanting a bit of fun in my life and nor do I feel guilty for my time that fun might take up.  Guilt is off the hook

2) Lack of ability to plan and make time.-  Am I just inept at organising my time?   Am I a one-trick-pony that can neither multi-task nor schedule?  Hell no.  I am the queen of chaos and have never shied away from something just because I have other stuff on.  Single-tasking is for wimps has been my motto…… and maybe part of my problem for a long time now. When I am on form which is much of the time I can manage most things without missing a heartbeat. I don’t stress about going places, doing stuff and meeting deadlines and while I have slowed down a bit in my older age my ability to make the most out of every day is still legendary if I want it to be.  Now there’s a thoughts,

3) My will and want.  Now wait a minute, now we are talking.  You mean that I might just give up my ‘me time’ because I have got to the stage where I can’t be bothered with it any more?   That I don’t value it,  can live without it, can just be in serious mode all.of.the.time?  You moron.  I can’t believe that this is me. That what I think I want I don’t want at all.  Maybe I do need to check into a high security psych unit after all.  I am addicted to being serious.  Weird indeed. But wait, isn’t there something else…..

4) Energy.  Aahhhh yes, that old chestnut.  I have noticed that my energy levels are not what they used to be.  I truly believe that has more to do with my state of mind than my age but the net result it the same.  I’m running on empty.  So, with little energy to share beyond all but the most critical of tasks my defences are down.  My fight is all out of bravado and by the time the ‘me time’ window of opportunity creaks open skipping out of it seems waaaay less attractive than curling up right here, at home.  Oh my goodness, without energy my mojo could be lost forever!

So now I’m tempted to say bugger it, I’m lazy and all out of fight and now, knowing that the thing I need to get my mojo back is the thing that I don’t have I may as well just give up.  Me time will have to be re-defined -outsourced even to a bottle of wine or chocolate, whatever will give the benefit without the cost………. This is getting serious.

I know I’m better than that, I deserve better than that.  I deserve my bloody mojo back and if it won’t come back of its own accord I will just have to find a way to get back out there and fight for it.   I need to re-stock my energy bank.  But how?

I believe that the answer to that problem was staring me in the face all along.  Rather than blame the fact that I’m a busy working mum and that having kids is an energy sucking pastime if ever I saw it I will utilise their power and energy to get me up and running.  I’ll fight but first this.

First I have to write a list of what ‘me time’ is.  I have decided to call it my fun list and the rules are that it must not have anything to do with work/ measured outcomes or parenting although doing some things with the kids may still make the list just as long as I’m allowed to let myself go a little and enjoy something that is my choice.  For me this would be things like bike riding,  engaging in a bit of craft and canoeing – all great with or without kids so why not bring them along?  However, the majority of the list must consist of stuff that is my choice, my way and for the sole benefit of re-charging my batteries.

Here’s a snippet from the list:

* reading non-work related books
* swimming laps
*going to the gym
* getting my hair done
* hanging out at a day spa and getting pampered.
* hanging out with the guinea pigs
* family bike rides.

I love spending time with my Guinea Pigs

Secondly I have to enlist some help but not in a whinging powerless way. I have to sit the family down and explain in no uncertain terms that I have been feeling too serious for too long and that I have a problem with that and that behaviour is hurting me.   I need to have some me-time fun and that the whole family will benefit from it.  Then I need to tell them that I need them to work with me to turn this plan into action.  I am not asking for permission to have fun, I am telling them that fun will be had by me and that by helping me achieve that they will also feel better and experience some fun stuff.  I can’t see that being a problem can you?

So, with no guilt,  no planning in-ability and no lack of will (because I have my cheerleaders) it’s time to put this plan into action.  The only barrier that remains is my energy level.  Having been an exercise fanatic for most of my life I know that the saying ‘the more you do, the more you can do’ to be true.  I also know that the hardest part is the first couple of weeks where new habits and attitudes are trying to form and break free from old, destructive ways.  I never said that this would be easy…..

I don’t know how I’m going to go with finding my mojo, don’t know how long it will take or how hard the journey to find it will be but I do know this, I need to take responsibility for getting it back and to help me achieve that I need to break down each one of the invisible walls that I’ve put up to hide it.  The mind is a funny thing and in my case I think I stopped doing all of the stuff that I liked for all the right reasons but now that those reasons have been addressed this in-built protection mechanism is no longer required and I just have to get on with it.   And why not?  What better mission exists in life than to have fun?

Take care of yourself and accept some fun back into your life.

PS: While constructing my ‘fun’ list I did notice that some fun things can be quite expensive. I think that turning the list into an all-or-nothing bank-breaking joy fest is a sure fire way of falling flat on ones face and substituting one problem (seriousness) for another (bankrupt).  Therefore I am further breaking down my fun list into things that can be done little and often – a bite sized bit of fun every day- and things that will be a once-a-year (or whatever) treat.  Money and fun should not be linked in my book.

It’s not that life is bad, it is anything BUT bad.  Many of us now find ourselves with  more choices and  spare money than ever before having returned to work or study now that the babies are growing up.   Some have even had a chance to re-connect with our ‘inner flower child’ and ‘spiritual goddess’ on weekend yoga/ women’s retreats while our partners step up and take over the daily grind.  While others have finally ditched the baggage and are now skipping along naked and trouble free, well at least for some of the time.

Only most of the time we (that is my peer group, me included) can be found walking around with that fuzzy ‘I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t cope’ look on our face as we attempt but fail to absorb all that is required of us as we fulfil our ‘meat-in-the-sandwich-of-life’ roles.

I have been thinking about this a lot today as I observed myself get stressed then un-stressed about all manor of tasks that crossed my path today – many of which turned out to be things that I really shouldn’t have waisted my precious resources on but hey, that’s all part of it!  While thinking I came to the realisation that it is the wrong time for us (meat-in-sandwichers)  to worry ourselves with trail blazing.  We have much too much to do in just hanging on to what we have to go off like a fire cracker.  In time new trails appear and rather than attempt to blaze them it is kinder on ourselves to attempt a gentle hike, enjoying the view and getting a thrill from the challenge of a new path but not now.  Now is the time for standing still and that doesn’t mean stopping.

What I mean is that I (and maybe you) would benefit from acknowledging the immense strain and conflicting dramas that protecting and maintaining what we already have brings.

If like me you are trying to fit running a house with running a business, being a parent with being a sassy and fun partner and all of the other roles in between that is a lot to contend with!  I think that stopping to look up and applaud yourself for the time, effort and hard work that it takes to maintain the status quo in life would be a good thing. Especially when you are surrounded by a world that only values progress, change and anything new and then tells you that it is OK to pay the price of all of that will pills, therapists and stress leave.  It is not OK and it is not normal.

When you acknowledge the strain of a life that is busy standing still  you realise that’s not what you are doing at all.  You are standing tall and providing a safe and secure base within which to recover, grow and realise what matters in life.  You are allowing yourself space to think about the next move while insuring the integrity of what you currently have.  You are playing protector both to yourself and others.

So, if things seem too much and you feel like you are going backwards instead of forwards or just getting nowhere in life at all then please stop and look up as I bet you are doing just fine.

• Most people haven’t got a clue who I am or what the book is about having never seen it before (and neither should they)
• The book is big, hard-covered, in full colour and therefore reasonably expensive

I am in a classic ‘catch 22′ situation and am fully aware that I have ended up here through lack of planning – looking back my business plan from start to finish was on a par with a reckless gamble.  So, what now????

Well after trying out my local hand-made craft markets earlier this year and selling nothing I crawled back into my shell and tried to forget that the problem existed.  Not good.  However, it wasn’t too long before my children had an idea that would help turn my frown upside down (that’s true and yes, I do love the saying ).   Anyway, the long and short of it was this, they love sewing and  home craft and wanted to have a market stall to make some pocket money.  After observing what sold well at the markets I knew that people generally bring $40-$50 and wish to go home with a small treat for themselves,  a gift for someones birthday, a coffee and a snack.  That means that gift-type items priced between $4-$10 are very popular and while my book doesn’t fit into that category their soft toys do!  Voila.

Fast forward a few months and we had enough stock for a stall.  My 8 year old non-sewer made lip balms and designed a beautiful label using the image of her first ever Guinea Pig Waffle.

All-Natural lip balms sell for $4.50 at the markets or on the Pip and Waffle facebook page. Excludes postage.

My now 11 year old set about making soft toys and book marks.  I helped where I could but was mostly just the needle threader and snack provider.  Pip and Waffle craft was born and I was instilled with renewed enthusiasm for book selling!

Soft toys range in price from $4-$10. Each one is unique and made from re-cycled material.

We re-launched at the Bluebird Handmade Markets yesterday and while I didn’t manage to sell any books I had plenty of interest and met some fantastic stall holders and customers which made it all worth while.  The girls and their friends who also joined us managed to make over $15 profit each which they were delighted with and most importantly they got to find out the real value of all the good stuff: teamwork, dealing with the public,  hard work, math and that satisfying feeling of a job well done.

Our beautiful stall - Pip and Waffle & Amongst Sisters.

We will be back at the markets in November and if all goes well will make this a regular feature.

As far as selling more books goes I clearly have more work to do but with the first barrier (my confidence) now overcome the future looks bright.

In our wonderful wired world ‘information overload’ is not just a possibility it is a  dead set certainty.  I am convinced that we see, read and hear dramatically more ‘news’ and ‘views’ than any other time in history and I’m not convinced that more is better especially when the ‘news’ items that we are so authoritatively fed are nothing more than opinions.

Of course, there is  nothing wrong with having an opinion.  Indeed  when stuff happens I am often the first to seek out others and find out what they think both in real life and online.  The problem comes when we no longer recognize the difference.

Even my dog had an opinion on the building project.

In the spirit of sharing opinions and news here’s my opinion of the situation so to speak:

Opinions are personal and always have an agenda.  Now knowing that the word ‘agenda’ is usually taken to mean something bad I will clarify.  Our opinion agenda may be based on seeking truth (another loaded word) and may be based on a logical appraisal of all of the available evidence rather than just the evidence that we like.  This situation is rare because to do this we have to set aside our ego and prepare to find out stuff that seems wrong to us or contradicts everything we thought we knew.

A more common opinion agenda is one based on confirmation bias.  We are presented with a situation and we immediately start forming an opinion on it based on what we have seen/done or felt before.   This is how I believe most of our opinions come into being and especially as it has some evolutionary advantage.   For example imagine that at age 3 you got badly bitten by a Labrador dog. Following that incident you hid behind your parent every time you saw a big dog and sometimes for little dogs too.  It doesn’t matter than the majority of dogs that you bump into after that fateful day are placid and loving and it doesn’t matter that age 3 you inadvertently pinned the poor old lab in the corner of the room and hit it with your Barbie doll.  You just remember the pain, the dog and the fear.  That fear is such a powerful emotion that even after being in the presence of several hundred dogs, including those belonging to close friends and relatives whom have never been bitten, you still fear all dogs.  The brain thinks it is offering you an evolutionary advantage by shielding you from a rational hazard but the evidence – statistical risk and the fact that you now know and behave better don’t come close to mattering when push comes to shove.

News, on the other hand should be an accurate description of an event past present or future with minimal interpretation.  The missing 15 year old male who went missing from a fishing trip on Friday was found this morning. He had been caught out when his boat capsized and had swum to a nearby island and found shelter’.   Or ‘the school fete will be held On Saturday from 2pm-6pm. Entry is by gold coin donation’.   I’ll leave it up to you to decide how often our ‘news’ is opinionated…..

And so back to my healthy lifestyle subscriptions.

So, every day without fail several highly opinionated and usually bias (towards their cause obviously) pieces of ‘news’ grace my in box or Facebook page.  I asked for them, I sometimes ‘like’ them but as I mentioned in the beginning more often than not I now cringe at them and flick away quickly. Why? Because an increasing number of them are peddling fear and loathing.  Be it big pharma, big business, big chemicals -especially big chemicals, big apples, big anything apparently they all stink if you are a lover of the natural life.  Then there are people who stink, people who you would think don’t have a good bone in their bodies according to this news (and there’s me thinking that all hippies hugged trees and loved each other….). Quite frankly it’s a hate fest and what’s more we are being encouraged to bring our kids AND feel sorry for kids who aren’t being exposed to this valuable education.

I am not sure that these greeny sites even realize the fear and paralysis that they are driving into the hearts of their avid followers and I’m not sure that the followers would be happy with having it pointed out too.  Probably throw green mud at me and accuse me of being a faker, a fraud and ‘if I don’t like it don’t read it’.  Fair points (opinions) but aren’t my opinions and my observation as valid as yours?  I read them and want to say ‘but where is the evidence????? It can’t be all bad, what about the other side of the story, the stats for your story, the list of references (and not just a list from your approved sources, from everyone).  But it doesn’t happen because you don’t need to do that when it’s just an opinion.

So, from now on  I pledge to fall out of like with any page or person that carries on like a pork chop (Aussie saying for ‘a long time’), spreading their crazy opinions as if they are the national news.  I am not hungry for that dictatoresque behaviour and if that’s all you have I would rather starve.

Here’s a non-referenced fact for you:

Fear changes the circuitry in our brains and not in a good way.  It encourages feelings of sadness, depression, hopelessness and desperation. It makes us feel sick and depresses the immune system which quite probably makes us more susceptible to a range of cancers.

So, if you want to make the world cleaner, greener and happier then I’d start by washing your mouths out with cold-pressed soap and water and finish by learning the difference between an opinion and news.  Then we might change the world for the better.

In the meantime i will just click ‘unlike’ or ‘unsubscribe’ and carry on like my normal tree-hugging, occasional vegetarian-option eating, car driving, chemical wearing,  un-scared self.

Anyway, I thought that fitting when thinking about my Amongst Sisters journey over the last year. It has been a year since the book first twirled and danced its way out of the dusty closet of my mind and onto the bookshelves of Sydney and oh what a dancer it was.   I barely had time to think at that time let alone take a step back and enjoy my baby- my third and most definitely my hardest ‘child’.  A real basket case really when I think about it -not the book, more of the ‘project’……..  The ‘project’ was like any child of the revolution, conceived in a state of bliss and heightened awareness, carried in a hurry and born just as the disco ball started  it’s final rotation.   The project didn’t ask to be born and its parent didn’t imagine that when that happy day finally came they would feel like THAT but they did and so like many parents before me when those dancing shoes hit the floor for the last time and my head hit the pillow the weight and responsibility of it all came a crashing.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the book. I love its message, community and power to turn the cogs of the mind and engage the body into action.  What I have been struggling to love is what happened to me post launch…..

Foggy days are rare in my life.  Yes they happen and at odd times I’ve found myself reduced to a catatonic state while hanging out the washing or attempting to be a ‘have-it-all’  multi-tasking parent but thankfully those days don’t happen much. In fact if I was the weather I’d be a crisp autumn day. The type when the temperature is absolutely right for working hard. Your favorite pullover is soon pulled off and tied around the waist as you get stuck in to the task at hand.  The suns warmth is encouraging, healthy and golden with none of the sting but all of the power required to loosen the muscles and put a smile on the face.   The gentle rays soften the harsh lines of the surrounds turning even the deepest darkest woods into home.  The kind of day that leaves you feeling warm, cosy and thoroughly alive.  That’s me usually but when the fog does comes down the warmth of the sun becomes a distant memory.

I thought for a while that I’d become depressed and that maybe I did me some medication or even a stint in a home for tired workaholics but those words were never far from my ears ‘suck it up princess’ ‘what are you waiting for’, ‘you’ve made your bed now lie in it’ and I did and had.  I know know that it wasn’t the black dog that was following me, it was the sandman.  I was and still am dog tired. Exhausterated!

Writing a book is the easy bit but nobody tells you that and nor should they because you and I wouldn’t listen.  The hard part is getting it out there, selling it,  pounding the pavements, dipping your hand back in the purse again and again and again and again to try yet another strategy.  It’s exhausting enough when you are not up to your eyeballs in foggy weather and impossible when you are.

I am quite a sensitive soul really and tend to think about everything too deeply.  What was said, what was not said,  what I did and didn’t do and what I should have, could have and didn’t and that added to my fogginess.  Being ‘that type of person’ makes it hard to ‘suck it up’ without ending up blowing it back out rather like a vaccum cleaner whose bag needs emptying. I feel convinced that I have been in a real-life experiment to find out what the limit to what we can suck up is…..

Everything that I tried to help sell the book was costly in terms of time, effort and the folding stuff and I was running low on all that.  Yes I know. I’ve turned into that wussy whinging pom that the Aussies love to harp on about. I guess I’ll have to suck that up too then….

Anyway the long and the short of it is this.  One year on and a few life  and mostly brain changes later (with no drugs and minimal formal therapy) and I’m back, not 100% back but back enough to be able to take on the book world in ‘eyes wide open’ baby steps again.   Amongst other things I have been reading quite a lot including the amazing ‘thinking fast and slow’ by Daniel Kahneman and I have to say that it is a brain changer!  Most of my problems over the last year have been because I let my system one brain do the talking while system two takes a holiday and that is never good news.   Apparently our brains work on two speeds, fast and slow.  Fast thinking is not, as you might think, a ‘good’ thing in most circumstances. Why?  Because it is the part of the brain that says ‘yes your bum does look big in that’ ‘I hate the way you blah blah blah and I have never liked blah and that stuff you do really gets me angry’ and ‘I’d like to bet $1000 on red because I have a good feeling about it’.  System one is a lazy, half cut, risk taking teenager who will have you in trouble quicker than you can say ‘suck it up princess’.  On the other hand we have system two- your inner accountant/ legal geek who will give you the stats on anything you care to mention, hold your hair back as you vomit and make you eat your greens before that big bowl of ice cream.  It is the slow thinker, the weigher-upper, your sanity.

Ignoring that part of you that keeps you sane makes you insane, or so I found.

So what now?  Well, well, well, no amount of system two thinking will be able to erase the exhausting trail that system one forged and so for there is no other way but to suck it up princess.  However,  with system two engaged mistakes can be learned from, energy levels repaired and respected and fog an be cleared.  So, one year on and a foggy mountain of tears and tiara throwing later and I can say with hand on heart that I am immensely proud of Amongst Sisters and what I have learned during the ride.  The only down side now is that my system one accountant is telling me to hurry on up and sell the stock and on that note I’m off to get promoting!

Take care and do remember that just like driving when the fog comes down you need to slow down and give yourself plenty of space.   It will clear in time and don’t worry about being a wuss, if you need help get some.

Amanda